In All My Dreams I Drown

[priordivergence]

I'm dreaming again. I know this in an abstract way that comes from repetition. This isn't the first time I've had nightmares of my time in Dauntless training. Sometimes I dream that I have to spar against Peter, only he's stolen all of my clothing again and so I have to fight naked or not at all. Those dreams are frustrating and abstract. The worse dreams are the ones of memories, when I watch my friends and family die.

Then there are the dreams of my fear landscape. The scenarios repeat and repeat until I wake myself up. Ironically, it's harder to separate myself from the fear when I'm dreaming than it is under serum. When I'm under a serum, I have a clear memory of being put under. When I'm dreaming, I lose myself in the liminal space between being awake and then being plunged into my own deepest fears,

Tonight my fears blend together. I'm on a rocky outcropping in the ocean, dragging myself up by my knuckles as I'm battered by waves. Overhead, I can hear crows squalling, waiting to eat me whole.

If I stay on the rocks, I will drown. If I climb them, they will come.

There's no point in escaping this by waking up because I will dream it tomorrow night too.