Splash your water in your wine [Thomas, the Purge]

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Splash your water in your wine [Thomas, the Purge]

I'm not surprised by mayhem. I'm not even surprised by the fact that I'm seeing the best and worst of people. That much I'd known since the Erudite attack on Abnegation, watching people without the serum who acted of their own accord. People had shot me and tried to drown me but also given up their lives to save me. No, none of what I've seen tonight surprises me.

What surprises me is that there was no precipitating incident, no premeditated coup. A siren had gone off and people had decided there was no reason to be anything but their worst selves. I could have stayed inside, could have stayed safe, but I'm too Dauntless, too Abnegation, too Divergent to just leave things and look after myself.

I'm not a superhero like some of the people I know. I don't have a mask or special powers. But I did have a lot of training and a lot of weapons and I'd brought both out into the streets of Darrow with me tonight. It's reckless and stupid but by the time the second siren rings out and I drag myself back home, I'm doing okay.

I have lots of cuts and bruises but nothing terrible, aside from a nasty cut in my left bicep. That one is going to need some attention, though I don't think it's deep enough to need stitches. As I exit the elevator to my floor, I can feel it stinging and I can't wait to get some bandages on it.

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Thomas had been mostly keeping himself locked up since all of this...chaos had started. He knew he wasn't going to be any good in a fight so he tried to stay away from anyone that looked violent. He did go out to try and help people get back and forth to places and he ran and ran and ran to make sure no one was stranded in the countryside but otherwise, he tried to keep out of the way.

He was caked in sweat and grime but he did peer out of his door when he heard the doorbell ding. His eyes widened when he saw Tris and he threw the door open and came towards her.

"What's happened to you?"

Seeing Thomas kicks away some of the exhaustion and I break into a tired smile when I see him. I ignore his question for a moment in favor of looking him over and making sure it's grime he's covered in, not blood. At least, nothing serious-looking. It takes a second to really process that he's asking about me and I can't help glancing at the cut on my arm.

"That was the worst of it," I say. "Trust me. The other guys look worse." I just look crazy, probably, given the gun at my back and sword sheathed at my hip.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine. Just tired. Dirty," Thomas said, grabbing her by the wrist (gently) and trying to tug her backwards into his apartment. She didn't look to be in need of emergency medical attention which meant that Thomas could play medjack and wouldn't further hurt her.

"What have you been out doing?" he asked, closing and locking the door securely. "I mean, I know what you've been doing but what's out there? I've been mostly inside and running around, keeping out of the way from the heaviest of fighting and...whatever the shuck's going on."

"Trying to help," I say. I glance guiltily around Thomas' apartment, not sure where it's safe to just put down a gun, sword, and daggers. I also can't help turning the door knob and giving it a tug to verify for myself that it's locked. Even if the Purge is technically over, I have a feeling there's always someone who wants to prolong the party. "Get people to safety, you know? Or stop violence if I can."

I still feel a little guilty, even as I smile at Thomas.

"Get people to safety at the expense of yourself?" Thomas asked, nodding over at the couch that he'd been alternating between sitting on, leaning on and staring at while he tried to wait this while thing out.

"You see anything really bad out there?" he asked as he walked back to the bathroom to grab his rudimentary kit of first aid supplies. "Are you okay?"

I smile at Thomas but I know it's tired and misplaced on me. "You have to admit, I'm very good at it," I say. Once, I'd been even better. Or worse, depending on perspective. I'd been so desperate to escape my grief that I'd searched recklessly for a reason to throw my life away and call it sacrifice. Tonight wasn't about that though. It was about protecting people.

"The worst part is? I've seen so many awful things, I don't know what counts as really bad anymore. You?"

"Go sit down," Thomas said, nodding at the couch. "Let me at least put some band aids on the places that are bleeding. If there's anything deeper or more serious going on, I won't be able to help but still..."

He trailed off and sat down on the couch, gesturing her closer. "And I'm fine. Barely been out. I'm not a fighter. I don't want to get dead."

I nod and drop myself onto Thomas couch, barely suppressing a hiss when I feel pain lance through a bruise on my back. I got kicked there, I think. Once the adrenaline fades, I'll probably feel it more but Sassy and Shevaun aren't planning to reopen the gym for another day or two, so at least I won't have work to make the bruises worse.

"I'm glad you're okay," I say, moving close to Thomas. To make it easier to see my arm, I strip off my t-shirt to the lighter tank top beneath. I know it means exposing more injuries but I think he'll see them eventually no matter what I do.

"I'm always okay. I don't go jumping headfirst into fights," Thomas chastised lightly, wincing at the bruises and scratches he saw. He sighed and shook his head before reaching for a pack of gauze to dab at some of the bleeding spots he saw. Nothing looked to be gushing, which was a good thing, because he didn't have the tools for that.

"I don't remember anything like this happening before," he said, putting a band aid on one small cut. "Did I miss something? Some of the people that have always lived here didn't seem too surprised this was happening."

"In my defense, it's usually feet or fist first," I say, but I can see that I've made him worry and I pause him, dropping a hand on his wrist. I try to think of what to say, some kind of quick rejoinder or joke, but I think I owe him more honesty than anyone else right now.

"I'm sorry I made you worry." Some instinct wants to distract him with a kiss until he's not so worried about me but it feels unfair. Instead, I hold still and let him work on cleaning me up. And, if he wants, chew me out a little for being reckless.

Thomas gave her a wry look for that one before shaking his head and putting a few more band aids on places he could see. The bruises would probably do well with ice but there was nothing like that in his first aid kit so they'd have to wait.

"This whole place is shucking worrisome," he said, shaking his head. "It's fine. I know better than to think it's gonna be safe at all times. Just try not to get yourself killed. That'd be good, you know? No one needs to die."

It doesn't feel exactly fine. Thomas seems more resigned to it and to my behavior than anything else and I frown a little, but not at him. "I don't think I know how to sit back when situations like this happen." All through the month, everything I'd heard about the Purge had never made me want to hide. It had made me want to get out, to fight.

"But I did try to be careful."

"I believe you," Thomas said, reaching into the kit for a few more band aids to put on a few more smaller cuts before he sat back and rubbed his face with one hand. "You're not dead, that's good. Seems like there's going to be a lot of that after today if people aren't careful."

So, she just had to be careful. She had to be smart.

"You're going to be sore for a few days though. If you go back out injured, you're not going to be as effective either. I'd say you're done for the night but I know I can't make that call for you."

I nod, mouth twisting. Most people I'd seen had been caught out of doors for some reason or another. Some had been thieving, which barely feels like a crime compared to what else erupted around the city. And some people were heinous. If there aren't bodies, it'll be a miracle.

"I'm pretty sure I'm done," I agree. "And that I need a shower later." It's not as bad as I was after that other Darrow, but I still feel grimy. It's also hard not to feel like some of the wretchedness of other people is caught on my skin like grit.

"You're welcome to mine, if you'd like," Thomas said, gesturing towards the area where the bathroom was. "But, you can go to your own too. Whatever you want, you know."

He shrugged and put the few scant materials from the first aide kit back in the box before standing up and stretching. He'd been tense so long, waiting for someone to bang down the door that his muscles were stiff and tight.

"You want something to eat? Drink?" Thomas asked, trying to take his mind off what was happening outside. It couldn't be stopped now.

"In a minute," I say. Thomas has worked so hard on patching me up that it seems silly to waterlog everything he just did. I lean back and watch him stretch, noticing the way he works out the tension. Maybe he wasn't out there in the chaos as long, I realize, but he still had just as much to fear as any of us did. The thought strikes me again; I'm glad he's okay.

"Water would be good but don't worry too much about me." The relative quiet feels like enough for now even though once the adrenaline stops, I know that I'm going to sort through all the things I've seen.

I know, tonight, I'm going to dream of Evelyn's regime, of a pillowcase thrown over my head. It will blend with tonight's bloodshed.

"You know saying that own't actually stop be from worrying, right?" Thomas asked, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. "Why do people say that? Even I shucking say that to people and they just look at me like I'm crazy. People worry. It's gonna happen. Keep saying it but know I'm not gonna listen to you."

Thomas situated himself back on the couch, stretching his legs out and sighing. He could hear some noise outside Bramford but he resolutely ignored it. If he didn't get up and see what was going on, he wouldn't be tempted to get involved.

"I know that, but you can't blame me for trying." I stretch a leg out along his and lean back a little so that the curve of the couch fits just right in the small of my back. "And I'd do the exact same thing, you know, if you told me not to worry."

As different as our worlds were, I think we have that in common. We wish the people we love would stay safe all while we try and throw ourselves into the situation for them.

I sigh. "I'm going to have nightmares tonight. New ones."

"What the shuck did you see out there?" Thoma asked, unable to suppress his curiosity. During the brief times he'd been out, he'd mostly ignored what was going on around him, not wanting to get caught by something or someone bigger and meaner. He'd helped where he could but he'd mostly done this by hiding and moving quickly from one protected place to another.

"Why is this even happening? It's not helping anyone," Thomas groused, shaking his head. If Darrow wanted people to get it out of their systems, they would and they'd probably get a taste for more. This wasn't going to solve any shucking thing.

"People," I say. People being hurt. People being robbed. People letting out the truly terrible and vindictive things they could do. None of it is new but it's always a dark time to have to watch it right in front of me, again and again. "The worst part is, it's nothing I haven't seen before."

I think of Dr. Pierce and the conversation we had. The words 'child soldier' rise up to my mind and I try to force them back away.

"And because it's Darrow, I guess. I don't know. How do you look some people in the eye again after what you've seen them do?"

"You're asking the wrong person that question," Thomas said with a shake of his head. He wanted to hope that no one he knew was out there doing horrible shucking things. He didn't want to think them capable of that but he knew better. He was capable of terrible things so why wouldn't other people have that ability too?

"I'm also kind of tired of the answer to so many questions just being the name of this shucking city," Thomas said, shaking his head. "There should be a reason. A better reason than that."

I nod and sigh, keeping my eyes focused on Thomas' hands, on our entangled legs. "Unfortunately, probably part of the answer is just...people," I say. I know, in the end, human nature and fear and cruelty had played into what destroyed my city. Why not here too?

"But that's not anymore satisfying than 'Darrow' either."

"No, it's not," Thomas said, lips twisting bitterly. "Isn't this place supposed to be better than this? Shucking hell, I'm pretty sure I saw people out there that I previously thought were nice. Are people really that hard up for something to do that they'll go steal and hurt just for the fun of it? Why does anyone even stay here?"

Thomas shook his head at the answer he knew would be coming. "I know people can't leave. I get it. This place is just -- it's kind of shucking shitty sometimes."

"I don't know," I say. I reach over and take Thomas' hands in mine, squeezing as if that point of connection can anchor us both down and push everything else away. The hard truth is that I think we both know what people can do, how terrible they can be, and even though we're horrified, I don't know how truly surprised either of us are.

"It is. Sometimes I wish I could just close off everything." But I know that's not realistic and, more than that, it's selfish.

"You don't wanna do that," Thomas said, giving her hand a squeeze. "There's no life in that. I can understand wanting to do it every so often when things are tough but I hope you don't feel like that for long periods of time. You'll get pretty bored for one. You'll miss you on a lot for two."

Not that Thomas was an expert in feeling things, feeling emotions but he'd been exposed to a lot in a short amount of time. It piled on and on and on and sometimes it shucking sucked but he liked that more than he liked not remembering anything.

"I don't," I say. "But sometimes, when things are bad..." I shrug. He knows.

Sighing, I lean back, still holding his hands. I don't tug on them but the invitation is there, for me to hold him or for me to be held. I think we could both use that reminder, that warmth.

"For three, I'd miss you."

"Oh, that's a terrible thing to miss," Thomas said, laughing. He squeezed her hands and tugged her a little closer to him. He leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek before sighing.

"Nothing so bad that you can't stick around," Thomas told her quietly. "I promise. I've thought about it too but it's just -- "

He sighed, shook his head.

"I want to stick around to continue pissing people off."

Seeing him laugh makes my own chest feel a little less tight. Being drawn in closer to him lets me feel his voice, his breath, and I lay my head against his shoulder with a quick kiss to his jaw.

His explanation hangs in the air a second and then it's my turn to laugh. At first, I was startled by his frankness and then its accuracy. "I like the way you say that," I agree. "A lot of people wanted me dead. I enjoy disappointing them."

"It's a good thing to stay alive for," Thomas declared, nodding. "Why give people what they want when you can make it hard on them and be a shucking thorn in their side for years to come? If I die, I die but I'm not going to let it be easy for anyone. Not anymore."

He'd rolled over to WICKED already. He'd let them manipulate his feelings, his actions and he was done with that. He'd get home at some point and face the consequences for what he'd done and that, in his eyes, was enough of a reason to keep going.

"Mm, spite," I agree, smiling at him. "I can think of other reasons too."

I wonder if it's crazy that I want to kiss him right now. I'm still hurting, still a mess, and everything is further from normal than usual. Part of me can't help wanting to hide from that or at least to push it away in favor of something that's always felt good and right.

I do give him one kiss, light and without pressure. "Here's to living because we can."

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Splash your water in your wine [Thomas, the Purge]

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